The Fellowship Academy
by Faramir Fancier
Summary: The Fellowship, along with other characters, decide to open a school. Not everything goes as planned, and what will happen on Open House Night? Features Aragorn teaching PE, Haldir, and everyone's favorite human, Boromir! Also includes Legolas.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Yes, I got this idea somewhere else, so, yeah. But it is slightly modified. Enjoy! Uh, some teachers are not in the Fellowship, but they appear in later chapters.

* * *

Class One: **_Gandalf_** teaches us **HISTORY** and about the **FREE PEOPLES (with help from Kid#4)**  
  
"Hello! Welcome to History! I am Gandalf the White and will be teaching you." Says Gandalf. "Why are there no girls in this class?" he muses.  
  
"Uh, aren't you Gandalf Stormcrow?" asks Kid #1.  
  
"Yes, that is my alias!" Says Gandalf.  
  
"So can we call you Stormcrow?" asks Kid #2.  
  
"NOOO!! Let's open our books to page 1,111."  
  
"Shouldn't we start in the beginning?" asks Kid #3.  
  
"Yeah." Says Kid #4.  
  
"Are you teaching this class?" asks Gandalf.  
  
"No." says Kid #3.  
  
"Alrighty then. So, on page 1,111, we have a picture of a...?" says Gandalf.  
  
Kid #5 waves hand in air and wriggles in his seat.  
  
"Yes, uh, kid?" asks Gandalf.  
  
"That's an Orc, Mr. Gandalf, sir." Says Kid #5.  
  
"Correctamundo." says Gandalf.  
  
"What?" asks Kid #1.  
  
"I said he was right." Says Gandalf irritably.  
  
"Really?" asks Kid #2.  
  
"Yes." Says Gandalf.  
  
"Why didn't you just say that?" says Kid #2.  
  
"Shut up, you brat. Now, who wants to learn about Wizards?" Gandalf asks.  
  
No one in the class raises their hands.  
  
"Ok, how 'bout Eves?" Gandalf asks, as a tall kid in glasses stands up in the back, this is Kid #4.  
  
"You mean those hot women that never look old no matter how old they really are?"  
  
"Yep." Sighs Gandalf.  
  
"Come on, guys, we gotta learn about them!!" The boy says, as all the hands in the class go up.  
  
"Alright. Elves, as you may know, are immune to disease and illness. They also can never die unless they are killed in battle or die of a broken heart, I think." Gandalf says.  
  
"What do you mean, you think?" Asks a rather bossy Kid #3.  
  
"Hey, brat, I never got that far in my course book! Watch your mouth!" Gandalf says angrily. His voice starts to deepen, and the room starts to grow dark....  
  
A bell rings somewhere. The kids get up to go off for their next lesson.

* * *

Class Two: **_Aragorn _**teaches us **PHYSICAL EDUCATION**  
  
"I love Gym, don't you?" says Kid #2.  
  
"No. I hate it. It's evil," says Kid #5.  
  
"Well, that's what you think!" says Kid #2.  
  
"I hate Gym. It's the spawn of Sauron!" Says Kid #5.  
  
"Can you just shut up?" Kid #4 says.  
  
"Good morning, class!" Aragorn says.  
  
"Good morning!" The class replies brightly.  
  
"All right, maggots! Now, let's start by taking a nice jog!" Aragorn says.  
  
"A WHAT?" The class asks, all except for Kid #2 

"A jog, you uneducated, out of shape, little maggots!" Aragorn replies.  
  
"Yay! I love Jogs!" says Kid #2 joyfully.

"That's the spirit!" says Aragorn, already 5 miles ahead.

"Thank you!" Yells Kid #2 to Aragorn.  
  
About 20 miles later and 2 hours have gone by...  
  
"Hey, kids, I don't see you jogging!" Aragorn says like a drill seargent.  
  
"How about speed walking?" asks a tired Kid #1.  
  
"JOG!!" Aragorn screams, frightening the bejeezus out of the kids.  
  
The class manages to do so.  
  
"All right, hit the showers!" Aragorn yells, looking more and more like a football coach.  
  
"Where are the showers?" Asks tired Kid #4.  
  
"You'll have to jog back the way we came. And don't be late!" Aragorn barks.  
  
The class jogs back, muttering to themselves.  
  
"I hate Gym." Says Kid #2.

* * *

A/N: Now you review so I can write more! There will be more, however! Yay!!! Review and Read, or Read and Review, whatever. Uh, more teachers appear shortly. 


	2. Math Class and Finding a Teacher

A/N: Thank you to Breck, my wonderful first reviewer who happens to be claiming that I am falsely advertising this story. Oh, well. And now, for a little 'Fun with Numbers'! That's math, not having 'fun' with numbers. God, the things that people think of! Also, I forgot to mention my assistant and person who came up with the teachers and what they teach. Please thank my lovely assistant who would only like to be called Mrs. S. Bean. She is amazing! Thank you Mrs. S. Bean!  
  
Class Three: MATH without a Teacher!!  
  
"Oh, God, that Jog was murder!" says Kid #2, taking off his shoes and massaging his feet while putting them on a desk.  
  
"Hey, put those back on!" Kid #3 yells, pushing Kid #2's feet off the desk.  
  
"Hey, aren't we supposed to be having math?" asks a bewildered Kid #4.  
  
"Yeah!" says Kid #2, putting his shoes back on.  
  
"Well, there's no teacher!" says Kid #5.  
  
"No, really?" says Kid #3 sarcastically.  
  
Suddenly, the same thought flashes through the Kid's minds: no teacher means they can goof around. Spitballs and gum wads are flying through the air. Suddenly, the door blasts open.  
  
"SILENCE!!" Gandalf screams, blasting the door off its hinges.  
  
Silence.  
  
"Now, as principal, I think that it is my duty to inform you that there is no teacher." Gandalf says. The Kids look at him funny.  
  
"So, it would behoove you to work on homework from another class." Gandalf says.  
  
"But, we don't have homework!" Says Kid #2.  
  
"Ok...so, anyway...yeah. Class dismissed! Recess time!!" Gandalf says, nearly getting bowled over because of crazy stampeding recess-crazed kids.  
  
Meanwhile, while the Kids are at RECESS....  
  
"We need a math teacher." Gandalf says, pouring himself some coffee.  
  
"NO, really?" Aragorn asks, going over a book that says, "Football Drills Easy!"  
  
"Well, we really have no one in line for the job." Gandalf says, sipping his coffee.  
  
Just then, Boromir walks into the Staff room and grabs some coffee.  
  
"He could do it!" says Aragorn viciously.  
  
"Hello, Boromir, you old bean!" Says Gandalf, going up to him.  
  
"Uh, I really don't think I'm a bean." Says Boromir, looking at Gandalf like he's crazy.  
  
"Look, Boromir, we need you to do something for us." Says Aragorn.  
  
"Ok, what is it?" says Boromir, sipping his coffee.  
  
"Will you teach the math class?" says Gandalf as coffee comes out of Boromir's nose.  
  
"WHAT?" he asks, almost choking on the coffee.  
  
"Will you teach the math class?" says Aragorn.  
  
"What's in it for me?" asks Boromir, who really dreads the thought of teaching some snotty little brats.  
  
"A 15% increase on your paycheck." Says Gandalf.  
  
"Alright!" says Boromir. A new math teacher has been found.  
  
A/N: Ha! I did not falsely advertise! Boo yah! Uh, whatever. So, read and review! And send in your comments, complaints, or compliments. Oh, how many of you caught the Boromir joke? Do you even now what the joke is? Well, if ya don't the answer will be in the next chapter! 


	3. Haldir meets a hair net

A/N: Thanks to any reviewers, thank you! Bless you! On with the story! Yay! Yay if you got the pun. Boromir is played by Sean _Bean. Oh yeah_

__  
Breck: My assistant claims that she is now Mrs. Haldir, or Mrs. Parker, and is very sorry for touching Sean "McSexy" Bean. She's pretty scared of you now.

* * *

Class 4: **LUNCH **period with **_HALDIR_**, the _**ANNOYED CAFFETERIA DUDE**_!  
  
"Yay! Lunch!" Says Kid #3, happily.  
  
"Oh, shut up!" says Kid #5  
  
"Hey..." say Kid #3, sadly.  
  
"FOOD FIGHT!!" Kid #4 yells.  
  
Soon, pudding and Jell-O are flying around the cafeteria. The teachers are sitting in the teachers lounge, talking. No one sees the fight except Haldir, who is the cafeteria dude.  
  
"Hey, you kids, stop it!" He yells, narrowly missing a wild Jell-O Pudding Cup.  
  
"Who are you, pansy?" says Kid #2, who thinks he is so good.  
  
"I happen to be the Cafeteria Dude!" says Haldir haughtily.  
  
"Yeah. And I'm the Tooth Fairy." Says Kid #2.  
  
"That can be arranged!" says Haldir, and soon, Kid #2 is wearing a dress and has little wings. He has been turned into the Tooth Fairy.  
  
Everyone laughs.  
  
"Well, Tooth Fairy, how are you?" asks Haldir, looking immensely pleased with himself.  
  
"At least I don't have to wear a hairnet!" says Kid #2.  
  
Haldir goes beet red, and everyone laughs at him.  
  
Haldir rips off the hairnet, and all his long blonde hair falls out.  
  
"My God, you're a pansy!" Says Kid #2, laughing his head off.  
  
Haldir looks very sad and upset and walks out of the cafeteria.  
  
"Gandalf!" he yells, storming into the teacher's lounge.  
  
"What?" asks Gandalf, munching on Chicken Lo Mien.  
  
"THOSE KIDS ARE INSANE!!!" Screams Haldir, nearly upsetting said Lo Mien.  
  
"So? That's your problem, Haldir the Cafeteria Dude." Says Gandalf.  
  
"I am NOT the CAFETERIA DUDE!!!" screams Haldir.  
  
"Alright! Now, try to get to know the brats, I mean, the kids." Says Gandalf.  
  
"GET TO KNOW THEM?" Haldir screams.  
  
"Yes. Try and make friends." Says Gandalf, busy reading a magazine.  
  
"FRIENDS???!!" screams Haldir.  
  
"Yep."  
  
"And if I don't?"  
  
"I'll take money off your paycheck."  
  
Haldir looks at Gandalf like he's insane.  
  
"Alright. I'll make friends with the brats. But I'm only doing this for money!!!" says Haldir, walking out.

* * *

A/N: You like? Ok, so review! More teachers come up soon.


	4. Chemistry and Botany

A/N: Thank you to my reviewer. And if you got the little Boromir joke, thank you. You have a fine sense of humor. Yay for you. My assistant is pretty scared of Breck now, so she's hiding in a corner muttering about Haldir. She is sorry for any emotional distress she has caused Breck and will never again touch Sean Bean and/or Boromir. But now that Mrs. Haldir has said her apologies, I believe it's time for Mrs. Faramir—I mean, the almighty, powerful and immortal authoress (me)—to continue the story.

* * *

Class Four: **CHEMISTRY** with **_FRODO  
_**  
"What's next?" asks a full and bloated Kid #3.  
  
"Chemistry." Says an always-alert Kid #4.  
  
"With?" says an irritable Kid #1.  
  
"Frodo." Says Kid #4.  
  
"Frodo?" asks Kid #2 quizzically.  
  
"Frodo." Says Kid #4.  
  
"That bloke who had his finger cut off?" asks Kid #5.  
  
"YEAH, THAT'S HIM ALRIGHT." Says Frodo, standing in the doorway.  
  
"Hey..."  
  
"You're..."  
  
"A..."  
  
"Kid!" says Kids # 1, 2, 3, and 4 in that order.  
  
"CHILD LABOR!!!" screams Kid #5.  
  
"YOU IDIOT!! I'm NOT a CHILD!! I am a FULLY GROWN HOBBIT of some WEALTH and INTELLIGANCE!!" screams Frodo, looking at the Kids, who are now cowering in a corner of the room, shaking.  
  
"Some intelligence?" asks Kid #2, whose eyebrow is in danger of flying off his head.  
  
"SOME INTELLIGANCE!!!" screams Frodo, as a vein in his forehead throbs menacingly.  
  
"Uh, Frodo, can we start?" asks a meek Kid #4.  
  
"Are YOU the TEACHER??" asks Frodo, as that vein looks like it'll explode any moment.  
  
"Sounds like Gandalf." Mutters Kid #2 to Kid #3.  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Noting, Mr. Frodo, sir." Says Kid #2.  
  
"Good. Now open your books to page 3,398." Says Frodo, going towards his podium.  
  
"Shouldn't we star---." Starts Kid #3.  
  
"Sshh!" reprimands Kid #5.  
  
"What was that, uh, uh, Kid #3?" asks Frodo, who has no idea of the Kid's names.  
  
"Nothing, Mr. Frodo, sir." Says Kid #3.  
  
"Alright. Now, let me lay down the rules. They are:

_No talking out of turn.  
  
No yelling at the teacher.  
  
Call the teacher 'Sir'.  
  
Respect all others.  
  
Treat others like you want to be treated_." Says Frodo, reciting off a list.  
  
"What if I want to be treated like dirt, sir? Can I treat others like dirt?" asks Kid #2, resident rule-breaker.  
  
"Well, uh, I guess so." Says Frodo.  
  
"Ok, sir." Says Kid #2.  
  
"Alright. Now, we're going to learn about Water: its State, it's atoms, and it's functions." Says Frodo.  
  
"Now, let's look at our course objectives...." Says Frodo, writing the objectives on the board.  
  
The list reads:  
  
_To understand what makes up water  
  
What water is in its many forms  
  
To eventually fuse the Atoms found in water and create water ourselves.  
_  
"Uh, sir, how can we fuse the water molecules?" asks a brilliant Kid #5.  
  
"We'll worry about that when we get to it." Says Frodo, looking sweetly at the Kids.  
  
"But, sir, we can't do that! We need a permit and an Atom fuser and probably an Atom Smasher!" says Kid #5.  
  
"WERE YOU ASKED TO SPEAK???" yells Frodo.  
  
"No sir. Sorry sir." Says Kid #5.  
  
"Alright. Now, let's start to read the first page. Can we have a volunteer?" Frodo asks.  
  
No hands go up.  
  
"No one? Shall I read it to you?" Frodo says.  
  
Heads nod.  
  
"Alright, fine." Frodo says. "_Water is formed from two elements: hydrogen (h) and oxygen (o). It has three common states, the most common are water in liquid form, ice, and snow. It has two types, also: freshwater and saltwater. Most of the water in the world is saltwater, and a small percentage is drinkable by humans, that would be fresh. Most of the freshwater is found in a solid form, i.e. ice. Water covers 85% of the planet and makes up most of our bodies_."  
  
The kids stare at Frodo.  
  
"Any questions?" asks Frodo.  
  
"No, sir." Say the Kids in a chorus.  
  
"Fine. For homework, read the rest of the chapter and write a report on water in its liquid form." Frodo says. "Class dismissed."  
  
The kids run out, looking fearfully at Frodo incase his vein decided to pop.  
  
Class Five: **BOTANY **and **HERBOLOGY** with **_ARWEN_**  
  
"That Frodo is one freaky child." Says kid #2.  
  
"He's a hobbit, not a child." Says Kid #5.  
  
"Genius, no one cares." Says Kid #2.  
  
"Well, sorr-y!" says Kid #5.  
  
"Hey, break it up!" says Kid #3.  
  
"Yeah!" says Kid #1.  
  
"Honestly." Says Kid #4.  
  
"Welcome, class, to the studies of the Plant Kingdom in Botany. I am your teacher, Lady Arwen Undomiel, Queen of Gondor, and Immortal Elf." Says Arwen dreamily.  
  
"Whoa...." All the boys stare at Arwen. Wait, the whole class is boys, so yeah.  
  
"Now, pleas find a seat. I rather prefer to work out-of-doors, but seeing as it's raining...." Arwen says, indicating a gray curtain of rain.  
  
"How did she know that?" asks Kid #4.  
  
"She looked out the window." Says Kid #5.  
  
"Ahem. Now, pleas pull out your books and turn to page 1." Says Arwen, floating between the desks.  
  
"Finally! A teacher who knows what she's doing!" says Kid #1 hapilly.  
  
"Wait! If you're Queen of Gondor, that would mean you're...." Says Kid #5, suddenly realizing the truth.  
  
"Yes, Aragorn is my husband." She sighs.  
  
"You mean that stark raving mad freak who things that jogging us till we die is your husband?!!" asks Kid #2.  
  
"What...did...you...call...Aragorn?" asks Arwen venomously.  
  
"I called him a stark raving mad freak! He's a lunatic!" Kid #2 says defiantly.  
  
"Never...speak...of...Aragorn...like...that...again." She whispers.  
  
"Why? It's the truth, ain't it guys?" says Kid #2.  
  
The rest of the boys are cowering in a corner, scared for their lives.  
  
"Smite me not, mighty Elvin Maiden!" Whimpers Kid #4.  
  
Kids # 1 and 5 are reverently praying for their lives.  
  
Kid #3 has nearly wet himself.  
  
"Uh..." says Kid #2.  
  
"Aragorn...is...more...of...a...man...than...you'll...ever...be." says Arwen.  
  
"Really?" Whispers Kid #2.  
  
"REALLY!! ALRIGHT YOU MAGGOTS, GET BACK TO WORK!!" Screams Arwen, all niceness gone.  
  
"She's a lunatic, too." Says Kid #2.  
  
"What?" Arwen asks sweetly.  
  
"You're a cool Elf, too."

* * *

A/N: Ah, nothing like a nice long chapter to clear your heads. Hopefully you were amused with Frodo being crazy. Next, we see what Merry and Pippin have been doing, and why does Boromir dread math?


	5. Faramir goes Crazy and the Kids Find out...

* * *

A/N: Welcome back to the Fellowship Academy! Well, time for more classes! When do these kids sleep? Never! All day school! I mean...well, more teachers! I lied. Now we will see what Faramir has been doing, along with a list of available extra-cirricular activities!!! Merry and Pip come later.

* * *

Class Six: **BIOLOGY** and** SCIENCE** with _**FARAMIR  
**_  
"Whoa. That Arwen is a piece of work, huh?" Asks Kid #5, scared that their next teacher will be scary and a freak too.  
  
"Yeah. Say, what's our next class?" Asks Kid #1.  
  
"Biology and the Sciences." Replies Kid #3.  
  
"With?"  
  
"Faramir."  
  
"That odd bloke who almost became a human marshmallow?" asks Kid #2.  
  
"Yep."  
  
"I'm officially scared now." Says Kid #2.  
  
"Hello, class!" says Faramir, smiling.  
  
"Hey, dude!" says Kid #4.  
  
"Uh..." says Faramir.  
  
The class looks around, smiling some.  
  
"Let's open our books and read chapter one." Faramir says, smiling, as he sits behind his desk with a mug of coffee.  
  
"Why, sir?" asks Kid #2.  
  
"Because I'm the teacher."  
  
"So?"  
  
"SO? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, KID??" Faramir screams, tossing a book at Kid #2.  
  
"Hey! Calm down, spaz!" Kid #5 says.  
  
"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU IDIOT!!" Faramir yells, throwing a coffee mug at Kid #5.  
  
"Hey! Chill! Mr. Faramir? Faramir? Dude?" Asks Kid #1, who has just woken up.  
  
"SHUT UP, YOU FRIGGIN' IDIOT!!" Faramir screams.  
  
"We need to take him to Gandalf." Kid #3 says.  
  
"Someone should get Gandalf." Kid #4 says, as Kid #2 starts to run out of the room.  
  
"WAIT! You started this, you have to stay." Kid #4 says.  
  
"FINE!" yells Kid #2.  
  
Kid #4 runs out of the room, screaming for Gandalf. He is talking with Haldir, who is having a slight mental breakdown.  
  
"I..._/sob/_...am..._/sob/_...not_.../sob/_...a_.../sob/_...pansy!!" Haldir says, crying, a box of tissues next to him.  
  
"It's alright, Haldir." Gandalf says.  
  
"No it's not!" He screams, throwing a tissue at Gandalf. If you've ever thrown a tissue, you know it doesn't go far. This makes Haldir feel even more like a pansy.  
  
"Uh, Mr. Gandalf? Faramir has gone insane.." Kid #4 says, looking at Haldir.  
  
"Hiya, Haldir-pansy." He says to Haldir, who breaks into violent sobs again.  
  
"Uh, come on, Kid, let's go see Faramir. Stay here, Haldir." Gandalf says. "Eat some chocolate."  
  
"O-o-ok." Haldir sobs, as he flips the TV to the Soap Opera Network.  
  
"Now, what was that about Faramir?" Gandalf asks.  
  
"He threw a book at another student! He tried to kill us!" Kid #4 says.  
  
"Did you do anything to offend him?" Gandalf asks.  
  
"Well, this Kid, we have no idea what is name is, could be Gaylord or something, argued with him about why we should read chapter one, and asked why he was the teacher." Kid #4 says.  
  
"Oh, dear. Look. Faramir is sensitive. After almost being the Human Marshmallow, he's been feeling pretty bad about himself. So you need to not be mean to him." Gandalf says, as they burst into the room.  
  
"Faramir! Stop!" Says a panicked Kid #5.  
  
"It's no good! He's insane!" Says Kid #3, going red.  
  
"WAIT!!" Screams Gandalf, looking at the kids.  
  
"What, Mr. Gandalf, sir?" they ask.  
  
"Everyone step away from the Steward." Gandalf says.  
  
"He's a Steward?"  
  
"He's a Steward."  
  
"We don't understand."  
  
"A Steward is a caretaker for the throne."  
  
"Oh!" the Kids say, looking like they know it all.  
  
"Now, I'm gonna take Faramir to my office, the rest of you, go outside and, uh, play, a...contact sport like American Football or Rugby." Gandalf says, forcing the Kids outside as he takes Faramir to his office.  
  
"Faramir, what the hell went on in there?" Gandalf asks.  
  
"They questioned my authority!! How dare they!!!" Faramir screams, trying to sock Gandalf in the nose.  
  
"Calm down!!" Gandalf says, as Faramir and him reach his office. Haldir is once again sobbing for an unknown reason.  
  
"What now?" Gandalf mutters.  
  
"Tinuviel and Asfaloth have broken up on _Elf's General Hospital_!!" Haldir sobs.  
  
**_Meanwhile, outside the Cafeteria....  
_**  
"Look! The extra-curricular list!" Screams Kid #3.  
  
"What's it say?" Asks Kid #2.  
  
This is what the list reads:  
  
**EXTRA-CURRICULARS**_:_

_**Math Club**: Gandalf_

_**Football**: Aragorn _

_**Gardening Club**: Samwise Gamgee _

_**Debate Club/Team**: Boromir _

_**Boy's Basketball**: Boromir _

_**Fine Arts**: Faramir_

_**Chess Club**: Elrond _

_**Backgammon/Parcheesi Club**: Arwen _

_**Elvish Club**: Legolas _

_**Karate Club**: Eowyn _

_**Tennis Team**: Gimli_

_** Book Club**: Galadriel  
  
_**REQUIRED PROGRAMS**_:_

_**Counseling**: Boromir, Faramir_

_ **Advanced Counseling**: Frodo_

_** Overcoming Addictions/D.A.R.E.:** Gollum _

_**Career Advice**: Haldir  
_  
**SPECIAL CLASSES**_:_

_**Library**: Haldir _

_**Computer**: Elrond_

* * *

A/N: Yes, Tinuviel and Asfaloth. I was looking through the book and picked out two Elvish names. So, yeah. That is the list of EC's. Enjoy! Next, we discover why Math is bad for your health. And now that you know all the teachers, most of your favorites are here! Yay! Enjoy my story!! And there was some poking fun at Soap Operas, Elf's General Hospital is the rip-off of General Hospital. With wishes of Fritos---Anduril 


	6. Why Math is Bad for your Health and Lego...

A/N: Just to clarify, Gaylord is a real name; I have looked it up. So, yes. Now we find out why it's hazardous to your health to take math class. And also, why has Legolas been avoiding the Kids?

* * *

Class Seven: **MATH** with **_BOROMIR_** (_who is only doing this for the money)  
_  
"Oh, great. Weren't we already in here?" Asks Kid #4.  
  
"I-I have n-n-no idea." Yawns Kid #5.  
  
"Yes, we have!" says Kid #1.  
  
"Well, are we going to learn anything?" Asks Kid #2.  
  
"Probably not." Says Kid #3.  
  
"Hey! Shut up, you ninnies!" screams Boromir, who has just entered.  
  
"Hey!!" Screams Kid #2, standing up.  
  
"Sit down, Kid." Says Boromir quietly.  
  
"Why?" asks Kid #2.  
  
"Just...do...it." Boromir whispers venomously.  
  
"Al-right." Says Kid #2, accenting each syllable.  
  
"Now, turn to page 394. We're starting with the division of fractions." Says Boromir.  
  
"Hey! Shouldn't you teach us the easy stuff?" Asks Kid #1.  
  
"Are you the teacher?"  
  
"Why does everyone ask that?"  
  
"Now, there are some problems on the board. Do them in...10 minutes." Boromir says.  
  
"What?!" The Kids ask, enraged.  
  
"Just...do...it." Boromir whispers.  
  
The Kids set to work, writing down the problems and working them out. Boromir walks up and down the rows with a meter stick in his hand. He slaps it against his palm, making the kids jump.  
  
"Will you stop it?" asks Kid #5.  
  
"What?" Boromir says, loosing it and tossing a pen at kid #5.  
  
"I mean...uh...He said it!" Kid #5 says, pointing to Kid #2.  
  
"Yep. I sure did." Kid #2 says.  
  
Boromir throws a book at Kid #2.  
  
"Just like your brother, you wanna-be." Kid #2 smirks. Little to his knowledge, he has just hit a vein.  
  
"I...am...not...a...Faramir...wanna-be. He wants to be me." Boromir whispers.  
  
"No, I don't think so." Kid #2 says.  
  
The rest of the Kids jump out the window and hide.  
  
"May the Lord and Saints preserve us!" They scream, running behind some trees.  
  
"Look, bucko, no matter what Faramir does, he will never be as good as me. I **AM** perfection! I **AM** the **BEST**! **NO** **ONE** can compare! **NO** **ONE**!!" Boromir screams.  
  
"Whatever. Poser." Kid #2 scoffs.  
  
"ARGH!!" Boromir yells, flying at Kid #2 with a sword.  
  
"PRAY FOR YOUR SALVATION, MATE!!" The other Kids scream to Kid #2.  
  
Kid #2 pulls out a blade, also.  
  
"You've some skill with a blade." He says.  
  
"You've threatened my pride."  
  
"Only a little."  
  
Suddenly, a man in a plaid jacket runs out into the room.  
  
"WAIT!! Those lines, sentence one, cited by Kid #2, are copyrighted Aragorn Co LTD. Sentence two, cited by Boromir, Son of Denethor, Son of Ecthellion, copyrighted Will Turner NOT A PANSY!! Co. And sentence three, cited by Kid #2, copyrighted Jack Sparrow Savvy? Co." The guy says. He runs out, screaming about plagiarism.  
  
"What?" Kid #2 asks.  
  
"Oh, well."  
  
"Shall we continue our duel?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
The two continue fighting.  
  
"Ha! You fight like Odysseus!" Kid #2 scoffs.  
  
"I AM Odysseus, you ignorant fool!" Boromir screams.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I am Odysseus! Fear me!"  
  
"FEAR HIM, MATE!!" Kids 1, 3, 4, and 5 scream from outside.  
  
"Yeah, and I'm the Tooth Fairy."  
  
"That can be arranged."  
  
Suddenly, the same guy in the plaid jacket runs out.  
  
"Wait! The above sentence, cited by Boromir, Son of Denethor, Son of Ecthellion, copyrighted by Haldir, Lord Pansikins of Little Poofington, Still not a pansy! Co." The guy says, then runs out.  
  
"Whoa."  
  
"Perhaps we should stop fighting." Boromir says.  
  
"Yeah. All the good sentences are copyrighted." Kid #2 says.  
  
The bell rings, and the Kids go to their next class, minus Kid #2. 

-------------  
  
Class Eight:** GEOGRAPHY** with **_LEGOLAS_** _(And help from Aragorn, the Ranger)_  
  
"Oh, great. Now we have a class with another Elf!" Kid #4 says.  
  
"Accursed Elves! Leave us in peace!!" Kid #5 screams.  
  
"Actually, they're rather hot." Says Kid #1.  
  
Silence.  
  
"Wait! You're not a guy...!" says Kid #4.  
  
Silence.  
  
"Hey, dudes, what's going on?" Asks Kid #2, who walks in with a ton of bruises and cuts and scrapes.  
  
"What happened to you?" Asks Kid #3.  
  
"Boromir beat the living daylights out of me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You were there, you idiots!"  
  
"Oh!"  
  
"What's going on?" Asks Kid #2.  
  
"Well, we think Kid #1 here is not a guy." Replies Kid #5.  
  
"Hey!" screams Kid #1.  
  
"What say you?"  
  
"STOP STEALING ME LINES!!" Aragorn yells, from outside the window.  
  
The Kids ignore him.  
  
"Well, you saw that cafeteria chick."  
  
"Uh, that was Haldir, the guy elf."  
  
"..."  
  
"Kid?"  
  
"$%#!!!" Screams Kid #1, running out of the room and hiding.  
  
At this moment, Legolas peeks his head in the door.  
  
"Is the coast clear?" he whispers.  
  
"..."  
  
"I'm safe, right?" Legolas asks.  
  
"Sure..." The Kids say.  
  
"Well, let's start Geography!" Legolas says, as a loud, deafening roar is heard outside.  
  
"Eep! Hide me!" Legolas squeals, running under a desk. A mob of Lego fan girls rush past the window.  
  
"They're gone." Says Kid #5.  
  
"Really?" Legolas asks, coming out from under the desk.  
  
"Really." Says Kid #5.  
  
"Oh. Well, seeing as how I'm not all Mr. Geographical Skills, I got my friend to come and help." Legolas says.  
  
"No, you're Mrs. Geographical Skills." Says Kid #2.  
  
"WHAT??" Legolas screams, his voice going high like a girl.  
  
"Nothing, Mrs., I mean, MR. Legolas." Says Kid #2.  
  
"Ok, I'll just get my friend." Legolas says, stepping out momentarily.  
  
"And we thought Haldir was a pansy." Mutters Kid #3.  
  
"Alright, please welcome my friend to help, Aragorn!" Legolas says happily.  
  
"AHHHH!!" Scream the Kids, hiding under a desk.  
  
"GET UP, YOU MAGGOTS!!" Screams Aragorn.  
  
"I want the mother I never knew!" Kid #4 says.  
  
"AMEN TO THAT!!" Faramir's voice says.  
  
Uh...  
  
"Oh Yavanna, save us from this insane lunatic in his time of insanity and/or lunacy!" screams Kid #5.  
  
"Yavanna?" asks Kid #2.  
  
"MAY THE VALAR PROTECT US!!!" Screams Kid #3.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with them?" asks Aragorn.  
  
"No idea." Legolas says, twirling his hair on his finger.  
  
"Uh, Lego?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Stop acting like such a fuckin' pansy." Aragorn says angrily.

* * *

A/N: Well, that's why math is bad for your health. I suppose that we didn't learn anything in Geography. Oh well. For you uncultured people, Sean Bean a.k.a. Boromir, plays Odysseus in Troy, which stars Orlando Bloom, so yeah. That's your tidbit of info. Next, we'll see what happens to Kid #1, the Elf fancier. Then, we'll learn about Caves and Spelunking from Gimli! And Merry and Pippin will teach us something totally unrelated to drinking and/or smoking. The Nazgul are coming!!!---Anduril 


	7. Spelunking! And other things not needed ...

A/N: After Delays, we are proud to present: Chapter 6! Merry and Pip will teach us something and Gimli gets us stuck in a cave! Fun, fun, fun! Review please, and I will give you an AUTOGRAPHED Denethor Action Figure! They never sold out at the store...

* * *

Class Nine:** SPELUNKING** with _**GIMLI**_ (And Help From _**Legolas**_)  
  
"Where are we going now?" Asks Kid #1, fully recovered from his epidemic of Elf fancying.  
  
"We're going to Spelunking." Says Kid #3.  
  
"And that would be...?" Asks Kid #4.  
  
"Cave exploration." Answers Kid #5.  
  
"And our teacher is...?" Asks Kid #1.  
  
"ME!" Yells Gimli, wearing all modern cave exploring stuff and a hardhat with the flashlight.  
  
"Who're you?" asks Kid #3.  
  
"Well, I'm your teacher, Gimli!" Gimli states.  
  
"Oh. MORE CHILD LABOR!!" Screams Kid #4.  
  
"No, you stupid kid! I'm older than you! See the beard??" Gimli screams, tossing a pebble at a kid.  
  
"Jeeze, relax!" Says Kid #1, fearing for his life.  
  
"Ok. We're going into this CAVE and we are going to EXPLORE!!" Gimli says.  
  
"I'm Heeeere!" Calls a voice.  
  
"Oh, no..." moan the Kids.  
  
"Legolas!" Says Gimli.  
  
"NO!!!" All the Kids scream.  
  
"Lego here is going to help us on our cave exploration!" Gimli says.  
  
"Erm..." say the Kid.  
  
"Ok! Everyone DOWN THE HOLE!!" Gimli yells, as the Kids shimmy down the hole into the cave.  
  
"AAAA!" They all yell, plummeting downwards. They land on a heap at the bottom of the hole.  
  
"I'm suing the school for damages, man!" Complains Kid #5.  
  
"I think I've broken something." Says Kid #2.  
  
"LINE STEALER!" Screams Merry, who disappears in a poof of smoke.  
  
"AIIIII!!!" Yells Legolas, also plummeting down the hole. He lands on the pile of kids.  
  
"You need to loose weight, Lego." Says Kid #2.  
  
"HEY!! Wait...was that an insult?" Asks Legolas.  
  
"..."  
  
"Well, Kiddies, let's move on!" Gimli says.  
  
The Kids groan and move on.  
  
"And here is a stalagmite..."  
  
"Mr. Gimli? That's a stalactite." Corrects Kid #5.  
  
"Are you the teacher?"  
  
"Chalk one up for the 'Are you the teacher?' list." Says Kid #4.  
  
"Ok, whatever it is..."  
  
Suddenly, Gimli's Light—the only light in the cave—goes out. The flashlight, I mean.  
  
"EEP!" Squeals Kid #4.  
  
"I want my mom!" yells Kid #5.  
  
"I'm claustrophobic!" says Kid #2.  
  
"Oh, no!" Says Gimli.  
  
"I'm scared of the dark!" Squeals Legolas.  
  
"Nobody panic! We are going to make it out alive!" Gimli says.  
  
"N-n-nn-no we aren't!" says Kid #5.  
  
"I'm claustrophobic, too!" says Kid #1. 

"Just don't barf on my nails, my clothes, or my hair!" Legolas requests.

"..."  
  
"Yes we are. Everyone grab onto this rope. We are going to make it out alive!"  
  
"O-o-ok." The Kids say.  
  
They suddenly see a light and realize that they have indeed gotten out alive!  
  
"Come on, guys, we'll be late for out next class!" Kid #5 says.

* * *

Class Ten: **_MERRY_** and _**PIPPIN**_ teach us **SOMETHING**  
  
"Who's teaching us now?" Asks Kid #1.  
  
"Merry and Pippin."  
  
"Oh, great."  
  
"Hello, and, uh, welcome to the Lord of the Rings!" Pip says.  
  
"No! Pip, you idiot!" Merry says, cuffing Pip on the head.  
  
"Sorry Merry."  
  
"Ok, Kids, now we're gonna teach you something special!" Merry says.  
  
"Now, everyone have a glass?" Pip says, as the Kids hold up their glasses.  
  
"Ok. Go to that spigot and fill your glass." Merry says.  
  
The Kids do so.  
  
"Hey, this water is an amber color!" Kid #4 points out.  
  
"It's, erm, water from, ah, Rohan!" Merry says.  
  
"If you're sure..."  
  
Soon, all this Kids have their glasses filled with 'Water from Rohan'.  
  
"Now, all of you, try to drain your tankard at one time. Whoever does it the fastest has no homework! Kid #1, step forward." Pip says.  
  
Kid #1 does so and manages to drain his tankard in...  
  
"7.35 seconds!" Merry says.  
  
"Next!"  
  
Kid #2 steps forwards and does the same in...  
  
"11.09 seconds."  
  
Kid #3 steps forwards and does it in...  
  
"9.09 seconds!"  
  
"Next!"  
  
Up comes Kid #4....  
  
"6.00 seconds!"  
  
Last goes Kid #5...  
  
"6.01 seconds! SO close!" says Pip.  
  
"Alright, Kid #4 has no homework. Everyone else, fill this gallon with the water and take it to your dorms to practice." Merry instructs. The Kids do so.  
  
"Good day, Kiddies!" Says Merry.  
  
The Kids walk out.  
  
"So when will they realize that's ale?" Pip asks.  
  
"I don't know." Merry replies, as the two share a drink.  
  
"A bit dense, huh?"  
  
"No more denser than you, Pip."

* * *

A/N: Next we have...erm...well, Computer with Elrond and Counseling with Boromir and Faramir. Stay tuned! Water from Rohan...yes. 


	8. Computer and Counseling

A/N: Hey, welcome back! It's hard to write 10 stories at a time. Yes, I have 10. So, as promised, I continue the story and I give you all Denethor action figures if you review. Autographed, no less. So review.

* * *

Class Eleven: **COMPUTER** with _**LORD** **ELROND**_  
  
"What now?" Asks Kid #1, feeling slightly woozy.  
  
"Erm, computer." Says Kid #5.  
  
"Yay. Something I'm good at." Kid #4 says.  
  
They Kids walk into the computer lab and stand until the teacher comes in.  
  
"Good day, mortals. I am your esteemed teacher, Lord Elrond of Rivendell. You may sit at any of the computers you choose." Elrond says.  
  
The Kids do so.  
  
"What a lovely bunch of mortals." Elrond says.  
  
The Kids beam and smile, happy for the compliment.  
  
"Now, let me tell you the rules. First, never try to hotwire the computer, that's very bad. And don't chew on the wires. Don't try to steal the computers or take them into the showers. And don't let any viruses loose, or you will see the side of me you'll never want to see. Understand?" Elrond asks, very stern.

"But, who would take a computer in a shower?" asks Kid #3.

"Legolas. Do you understand?"  
  
"Yes, Lord Elrond." The Kids chime.  
  
"Good. Now everyone open Microsoft Word and begin to type a five page essay on your life." Elrond instructs, as he sits down at his computer and begins to play the Sims.  
  
"Uh, Lord Elrond? What if we can't make it a five page essay?" Kid #3 asks.  
  
"What? I can easily make my life story 20!" Elrond says.  
  
"Can we just play games instead?" Kid #2 asks.  
  
"Fine." Elrond sighs.  
  
The Kids all take a Sims disc. They proced to create the digital families. One Kid, #2, creates Sim Aragorn and has him get run over by a truck. Multiple times.  
  
"Ok, Kids, it looks as though our class time together is done. I'll see you all shortly." Elrond happily says.  
  
The Kids walk out of the Computer Lab and into the hall.  
  
Class Twelve: **COUNSELING** with _**BOROMIR**_ and _**FARAMIR**_  
  
"Why do we need counseling?" asks Kid #2  
  
"Because this wacky school thinks we do." Kid #5 says sadly.  
  
The Kids enter a small room that has three doors. Boromir and Faramir step through the first two.  
  
"Hey, remember us?" Asks Boromir evilly.  
  
"Yeah." Says Kid #2, rubbing his shoulder.  
  
"Now, we can't take the, er, 5 of you at once, so we've hired another employee." Boromir says.  
  
"Enter Denethor." Says Faramir, almost terrified.  
  
"Hey, you brats." Says Denethor.  
  
"Now, the lot of you, queue up!" Boromir instructs.  
  
Almost everyone lines up for Denethor, except for Kids #1 and #2. Kid #1 goes with Faramir and Kid #2 goes with Boromir.  
  
"Ok. Counseling starts now." Boromir says, as he takes Kid #2 with him into his office.  
  
"Line up, punks. One at a time." Denethor growls.  
  
_In Office 1 with Boromir and Kid #2..._  
  
"Now, tell me your problems." Boromir says.  
  
"I feel like I'm hated. My father tried to kill me and I never knew my mother. I have a strange fear of fires and I think that no matter what I do, my older brother is better than me. My dad thinks that, too." Kid #2 says.  
  
"Hold on." Boromir says, picking up a phone and talking to Faramir.  
  
"Go with Faramir. He can help." Boromir instructs.  
  
Kid #2 and Kid #1 switch places, so Kid #2 is with Faramir.  
  
"Ok, Kid, tell me your problems." Boromir says to Kid #1.  
  
"I am favored by my father. My little brother is dejected, but yet my dad seems to think that I can do anything. Recently, I failed something, but didn't tell him. I can never give my brother credit, because my father yells at me for doing so. Whenever I try to tell my dad he's wrong, he scoffs and denies it." Kid #1 says.  
  
"Ok, Kid, feel good about the spot you're in. It can't be any better. You're living in the lap of luxury, don't blow it by being all nice to your brother." Boromir says, sending him out.  
  
_In Office Two with Faramir and Kid #2..._  
  
"I feel like I'm hated. My father tried to kill me and I never knew my mother. I have a strange fear of fires and I think that no matter what I do, my older brother is better than me. My dad thinks that, too." Kid #2 says.  
  
"Well, that sounds a lot like my life. Keep trying to do what you think is right. Do what your father wants. He'll see that you're the real true son, and he'll remember that. Don't give up." Faramir says, sending the Kid out.  
  
_In Office Three with Denethor and Kid #3..._  
  
"Ok, brat, what do you have to say?" Denethor asks.  
  
"Well, my parents always argue. I hate it. No one remembers I'm there." Kid #3 says.  
  
"Run away from home." Denethor says. "NEXT!"  
  
Kid #4 enters.  
  
"Spit it out, punk." Denethor says.  
  
"My parents spoil me. I hate it, I want to work for what I get." Kid #4 says.  
  
"What? Are you insane? Enjoy your position." Denethor says. "NEXT!"  
  
Kid #5 enters.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I feel like I know too much. Everyone thinks I'm a know-it-all, but I really am not. They say I'm a perfectionist, also. I aren't. I mean, I am not." Kid #5 says.  
  
"Well, tough cookies, man. Just learn to be dumb and don't correct what everyone else does all the time. Lighten up." Denethor says.  
  
The Kids leave their counseling session, more confused than ever.

* * *

A/N: You like? Well, whatever. It was fun to write. So, look for Football practice with Aragorn and Basketball with Boromir. Coming soon!


	9. Football and Evil Fangirls!

A/N: Welcome back! Now, on to the part that many(?) have been waiting for: Football and Basketball! Taught by our favorites EVER, ARAGORN and BOROMIR!! All aboard the sports express!

* * *

Class Thirteen: **FOOTBALL** with _**ARAGORN**_  
  
"Oh, no, we have to go back to this psycho again??" Kid #2 asks in horror.  
  
"Dang. If we weren't boys and didn't have to play sports!" Kid #3 says.  
  
"Oh, well." Kid #4 sighs.  
  
They happen upon the football field, where Aragorn is weight lifting.  
  
"Perhaps we should just leave him here." Kid #1 says quietly.  
  
"Hey! My football stars!!" Aragorn says, as all the Kids mutter, "Damn" under their breaths.  
  
"Well, Kiddies, let's shape you up! I want 200 pushups! NOW!!" Aragorn yells, as the Kids do so.  
  
"This...is...murder." Kid #3 groans.  
  
"Tell me about it." Kid #4 says.  
  
"Come on, you wimps, put your back into it!" Aragorn growls.  
  
"My back's gone!" Kid #1 says.  
  
"Ouch! There goes my /snap/ back!" Kid #4 yells.  
  
"What?" Kid #3 asks.  
  
"I think I broke my back!" Kid #4 yells, writhing on the ground as if in pain.  
  
"Hey, Kid, what's wrong?" Aragorn asks.  
  
"I think I'm dying!" Kid #4 says.  
  
"GASP! I'll take you to our nurse!" Aragorn screams, grabbing Kid #4 and rushing him to the school.  
  
_And Now, the Short Section Entitled: Kid #4 Goes to the Nurse!_  
  
The scene looks as though it came from a soap opera.  
  
Aragorn bursts into the nurse's office, his shirt bloodstained and sweaty.  
  
"Nurse! I have a dying patient!" Aragorn says, revealing Kid #4, whose shirt is bloody and a bandage is around his head, made from Aragorn's pants leg.  
  
Suddenly, Arwen appears, dressed in dazzling white.  
  
"AAA! My EYES!!!" Kid #4 screams.  
  
"Shut him up." Arwen says quietly.  
  
"Ok." Aragorn says, and Kid #4 shuts up, looking fearfully at Aragorn, a madness burning in his eyes.  
  
"Im Arwen. Telin le thaed. Lasto beth nîn, tolo dan na ngalad." Arwen says in Elvish that makes my computer buzz with little red lines of, "incorrect spelling".  
  
"What is she saying?" Asks Kid #4.  
  
"Sssh! She's healing you." Aragorn hisses.  
  
"Lasto beth nîn. Tolo dan na ngalad." Arwen repeats.  
  
"FINE!!" Kid #4 screams, as he is immediately healed.  
  
"Thank you, Nurse." Aragorn says.  
  
"It was a pleasure." Arwen says, leaving.  
  
_And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming._  
  
Kid #4 is returned to his friends, and after a harrowing day with Aragorn, they find out that they have to go to basketball with Boromir!  
  
"NOOO!! Is this school taught by maniacs?" Kid #3 screams.  
  
"I believe so!" Kid #5 yells.  
  
"Well, I hate it! I wanna transfer!" Kid #2 yells.  
  
"I don't think you can." Kid #1 says.  
  
"Hey, did you notice that there are only boys in this school? As students, I mean." Kid #5 says.  
  
"Yeah! Where are all the girls?" Kid #2 asks.  
  
"I don't know!!" Kid #1 says.  
  
_And Now, another Short Piece Entitled: Where are All the Girls?_  
  
We see Legolas on top of a desk, crouching and brandishing a yardstick like a sword.  
  
"Back you devils! Away with you!" He says, waving the stick.  
  
"LEGO WE LOVE YOU!!!" The girls, fan girls, scream.  
  
"But I don't love you!" Legolas says.  
  
"GASP! You don't mean that!" The fan girls say, tears coming to their eyes.  
  
"I do! I already have a girlfriend!" Legolas says.  
  
"We'd know if you do! We know everything about you!" The fan girls say.  
  
"You do not!" Legolas says.  
  
"We even know that you take a computer into the shower." They say.  
  
"EEK!! That's personal, you sickos! You vile spawn of Mary-Sues! You repulse me!" Legolas says.  
  
"We only wish to touch your hair!" They say.  
  
"AWAY!! GET AWAY!!" Legolas screams.  
  
Suddenly, Boromir appears, here to save the day!  
  
"Avast! Be gone!" Boromir says.  
  
The fan girls look at him like, "what the hell?"  
  
"I am Boromir! Face my sword and meet your maker! No one survived my blade once I set my heart to it that they should die!" Boromir says, looking very noble and valiant.  
  
"Yeah, poser, get out of here." A fan girl says.  
  
"That's it!" Boromir screams, rushing into the mad throng with his sword drawn and his banner flying. He slices some fan girls, dices some others, and minces the last.  
  
"Aha! No one survives the wrath of Boromir!" Boromir proclaims.  
  
"Uh, Boromir, those were our students." Legolas says looking very pale.  
  
"Really now?" Boromir asks, staring at the bloody mess around his feet.  
  
"How are we going to explain this?" Legolas says, going even paler.  
  
"I don't know." Boromir says.  
  
"You're Odysseus! You know these things!" Legolas screams.  
  
"Shut up, Paris!!" Boromir yells.  
  
"Yeah, what are you going to do if I don't?" Legolas asks.  
  
"Hey! Who's the thinker?" Boromir says.  
  
"You, I guess." Legolas admits.  
  
"That's correct. Now, let me think of what we should do." Boromir says, sitting down on a chair.  
  
"Ok, I'll just think also." Legolas says.  
  
"Good idea."  
  
The two sit on chairs and are thinking.  
  
"I got it!" Boromir screams.  
  
"Let's have it!" Legolas says.  
  
"We say that their deaths were a freak accident. Say that a giant fry slicer/dicer/mincer, dropped on their heads and sliced, diced, and minced! No one will know it was me!" Boromir proudly says.  
  
"You though up the Trojan Horse and this is all you could think up now?" Legolas says.  
  
"Hey, I was under pressure!" Boromir says.  
  
"Yeah? You are now!" Legolas counters.  
  
"Ok, ok! Don't have a fit!" Boromir says, thinking some more.  
  
Legolas paces back and forth, a healthy flush in his cheeks.  
  
"We could say that a balrog did it!" Boromir says.  
  
"That'll scare the crap out of Gandalf!" Legolas says gleefully.  
  
"I know! Isn't it an ingenious plan?" Boromir asks.  
  
"It sure is! I always wanted to see that old fart kick the bucket!" Legolas says.  
  
"Legolas, you very well might see that today." Boromir says.  
  
"But, what about their parents?" Legolas says.  
  
"Remember, the freak accident." Boromir says.  
  
The two walk out, chortling happily.

* * *

A/N: No one really died in this scene; I just think that those crazy Mary- sues, fan girls deserved their fate. And so they got it. Well, look for more, including Boromir teaching basketball. I also harp on this Orlando and Sean in Troy business. I think it makes great puns.... So, look for chapter—what are we on now?—Oh, yeah! 9! Look for chapter 9 soon! It wasn't that short... 


	10. A chapter without the Kids!

A/N: An now, chapter nine! And for free gifts, check out the Denethor- Action-Figure-Sized Pyre! With fully equipped flame action! Given for FREE when you review!!!

* * *

**_Chapter Nine: A Moment of Rest for the Weary_**  
  
"GANDALF!!" Screams Legolas, tearing into Gandalf's office.  
  
"GANDY!" Boromir yells, also running in and hiding his bloody sword in its sheath.  
  
"What?"  
  
"A Balrog! A Balrog is come and killed the female students!" Legolas says.  
  
"WHAT?" Gandalf asks, his face getting paler by the moment.  
  
"Yes! A Balrog! It came and smote us! We were rendered unconscious, and in our moments of consciousness, brief though they were, we heard the terrified screams of the girls! Gone they are forever." Boromir says, faking sadness.  
  
"My. We can't have a Balrog loose in the school!" Gandalf says.  
  
"Yeah! You should go kill it!" Legolas suggests.  
  
"M-m-me?" Gandalf asks, looking like a sheet of paper.  
  
"Yes. You did battle with one before, you can do it again." Boromir says.  
  
"Me?" Gandalf said squeakily, looking very pale, almost near death.  
  
"Well, we'll go find it and call you in where it is." Legolas says, as he and Boromir walk out.  
  
Gandalf looks very upset and decides that he'd better kill this Balrog and do it fast.  
  
"Uh, Boromir?" Legolas asks. "How are we going to get a Balrog?"  
  
"I have no idea! Hey, wait! We'll go to Balrogs-R-Us!" Boromir says.  
  
"Balrogs-R-Us?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Let's go!" And the two go off to Balrogs-R-Us.  
  
_At Balrogs-R-Us..._  
  
"Hi, can I help you?" asks a worker named Cole.  
  
"Uh we need a class 5 level of experience 100 Balrog." Boromir says.  
  
"With wings?"  
  
"Yes." Legolas says.  
  
"Ok, that'll be...$27.89." Cole says.  
  
Boromir forks over the cash and receives a box.  
  
"Don't open until you're at your destination. They're extremely carsick, Balrogs." Cole says.  
  
"Ok." The two say as they walk out of the store.  
  
_Meanwhile, on the drive back...  
_  
"Can we open it?" Legolas asks.  
  
"No."  
  
"Just a bit?"  
  
"No."  
  
"A peek inside?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"A little looksie?"  
  
"NO! Listen, have you ever heard of Pandora's Box?" Boromir asks.  
  
"No, why?"  
  
"Well, Pandora had a box. She was curious and she opened it. All these evil things came out. Do you want evil things to come out of that box?" Boromir asks.  
  
"No...sorry." Legolas says.  
  
"Good." Boromir says, further explaining the meaning of white-knuckle- driving.  
  
"Can you slow down? Do you want us to die?" Legolas says, his voice rising in panic.  
  
"Look, we have to get back A.S.A.P.!" Boromir says.  
  
The reach the school; Boromir skidding into the parking lot.  
  
"Can you drive more carefully?" Legolas asks.  
  
"Hey, we have to get this Balrog into your classroom soon!" Boromir says, lifting up the crate and running inside.  
  
The two finally reach Legolas's classroom.  
  
"Ok, open the box!" Legolas says.  
  
Boromir opens the box with a ten-foot long crowbar and a Balrog is released.  
  
"AII!" The two scream and run out of the room.  
  
"GANDALF!!" They yell, finding Gandalf in his office.  
  
"The Balrog!" Boromir starts.  
  
"It's in my classroom!" Legolas ends.  
  
"Go kill it!" Boromir says.  
  
Gandalf gets up, looking like death.  
  
"Ok." He whispers, as he sets out to kill the Balrog.

* * *

A/N: What will happen to Gandalf? Find out in the next chapter!! 


	11. An Awful Truth about The Balrog and Gand...

A/N: here I am! I've just been playing War of the Ring computer game...FUN!! Lots of hacking Orcs to bits! Well, you're not here to hear about that. On with the school! The school show! Erm, sorry. LET'S HUNT SOME ORC!!!!

* * *

**_Chapter Eleven: Gandalf VS. The Balrog: Or Is It?_**  
  
"Ok, Gandalf, just do what you did in Moria and everything will be ok!" Boromir " Gandalf says.  
  
"What, Gandy?" Legolas asks.  
  
"I didn't do anything in Moria. I just fell, swung a sword around a bit, and kind of accidentally killed the Balrog." Gandalf says.  
  
"You WHAT?" Legolas says. "You lied to us in Fangorn."  
  
"I'm sorry. I had to, otherwise you'd all laugh at me!"  
  
"Well, what do we do now?" Boromir asks.  
  
"We fight him ourselves." Legolas says, as Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, and Arwen run in.  
  
"We're going to fight." Aragorn says.  
  
"We need a plan!" Arwen says.  
  
They immediately start to come up with a plan.  
  
"Now, Merry and Pippin, take the left flank. Gimli and Legolas, take your company right after you pass the wall. Arwen and I will tackle the center. And Boromir? You take the back. Stab it a couple times." Aragorn says.  
  
"Ok. That speech to Gimli and Legolas sounds like what Theoden said at the battle of the Pelennor." Merry says.  
  
"I know. That speech always moved me." Aragorn says, his voice cracking.  
  
They soon surround the Balrog as Gandalf hides under a desk.  
  
"That desk is wood, Gandy!" Legolas screams.  
  
The Balrog blows some fire (I don't care if it can't!) at the desk where Gandalf is hiding and it goes up in flames.  
  
"AII!!" Gandalf screams, running around the room like a maniac.  
  
"Someone shoot him!" Boromir says, groaning.  
  
Aragorn and Arwen are stabbing the Balrog, and Arwen gets her hair set on fire and goes and jumps in a lake to put it out, then comes back soaking wet.  
  
"I'm pissed now!" Arwen screams and stabs the Balrog with much force.  
  
"GO ARWEN!!" Aragorn screams.  
  
"You're dead." Arwen says.  
  
Merry and Pippin back away in fright and Boromir runs behind them.  
  
"She's scary." He says.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"I know, you hobbits of hell."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
Suddenly, the Balrog dies or something and Arwen is looking happy and triumphant.  
  
"YAY ARWEN!" Aragorn screams.  
  
Gandalf is still running around like a chicken without a head.  
  
"You can stop now." Pippin says.  
  
"Ok." Gandalf says, as he goes back to his office, scaring the snot out of some Kids that were walking down the hall.  
  
"Arwen, you're amazing."  
  
"Well, no one messes with my hair and gets away with it."  
  
"Funny, I always thought Legolas would be the one to say it."  
  
"NOOOO!" Legolas moans.  
  
"What?" Everyone else asks.  
  
"That...creature...gave me split ends!" He whines, holding up some singed hair.  
  
"Oh, gasp!"  
  
"I know! Now I have to get it cut off!"  
  
Everyone falls over in a dead faint at those words.  
  
"What?"

* * *

A/N: So, in the next chapter, Legolas is going to get a haircut! That is like...freaky! Super freaky! Ok, stay tuned. 


	12. Legolas's New Doo and Basketball and Orc...

A/N: I'm back. On with the lovely story. I am so amazed. For no reason whatsoever, I am amazed. Ok, enough about me. Let's get some reviews, people! I mean NOW! Or I will send a Balrog of Morgoth on you! FEAR IT!!! GRRRRR!!!

* * *

_**Chapter Twelve: Legolas Gets a Haircut and Orchestra Practice with Faramir (and Boromir, of course.)**_  
  
"I'm off to get a hair cut!!" Legolas announces. Some students look at him warily as he walks out.  
  
"Where's he going?"  
  
"No idea."  
  
"Alright, brats, back to work!!" Boromir yells, dragging Kids 1-5 into the gym.  
  
"NOOOOO!!" They scream.  
  
Class Fourteen: **BASKETBALL** with _**BOROMIR**_  
  
"Ok, now give me 90 laps around the gym." Boromir says.  
  
"WHAT?" The Kids ask.  
  
"DO IT!!!!" Boromir screams, as the Kids wisely go and do 90 laps. Boromir sits back and enjoys some tea with a shot of whiskey.  
  
"Ok, now shoot some baskets. Lay-ups then jump shots, then free throws." Boromir yells.  
  
The Kids do so and end up leaving the gym glistening.  
  
_Meanwhile, at the Beauty Salon..._  
  
"I need about 1 inch off. Just take off all the split ends and charred bits and it'll be fine." Legolas says to the beautician, who nods her head and smiles.  
  
Legolas goes and sits down in one of those salon chairs and starts to hum to himself.  
  
"Ok, I'll just snip a bit. You go and take a nap." The lady says. Lego gets his hair cut by a lady!! _/LAUGH, LAUGH!!/  
  
_Legolas starts to snore as the lady cuts his hair. When he wakes up, he gets handed a mirror and sees...  
  
"AIII!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??" Legolas says. He has a stunning crew cut and nearly all his hair is on the floor.  
  
"Your whole head was singed and burned! That's the only undamaged hair you have." The lady says.  
  
"You lie!" Legolas says.  
  
"Whatever! Just pay the 14.95 and leave!!!" the lady yells.  
  
Legolas puts 14.95 on the counter and walks...no, wait, he nances out! Legolas NANCES down the STREET! And then he PRANCES... Er, sorry.  
  
_Back at the Gym...  
_  
"Ok! You can go." Boromir says, after putting the Kids through three hours of intense workout and basketball.  
  
The Kids march out only to remember...they have Orchestra with Faramir (and Boromir).  
  
Class Fifteen: **ORCHESTRA** with _**FARAMIR**_ and _**BOROMIR**_  
  
"Why do I even need to know how to pay a flute?" Kid #1 asks.  
  
"At least you aren't playing a viola!" Kid #5 says.  
  
"Yeah, well that can't be worse than a piccolo!" Kid #2 says.  
  
"Whatever!!!" Kid #5 yells.  
  
When they enter the room, they see some girls sitting in it. One is called Breck, the other PopcornLeader, and the other Adsol. (See? You review and you get in the story!!!) (Don't you all want to be in the classes and/or Orchestra?? You know you want to!!)  
  
"Ok, now let's all take out Pachebel's Cannon and practice." Faramir says.  
  
Suddenly, Boromir walks in and sits down and takes out a trumpet. Breck looks very happy and smiles and waves at Boromir. He winks back.  
  
"Ok, whatever. Boromir, stop hitting on the students!" Faramir says.  
  
Boromir laughs and winks at Breck again. (I hope you're happy.)  
  
"OK!!!" Faramir yells, as the Kids and the Girls jump an inch off their seats.  
  
"You have issues!!!" PopcornLeader says.  
  
"Get a life!!" Breck says, as she winks at Boromir.  
  
"Can we start?" Adsol asks.  
  
"Are you the teacher?" Faramir asks, throwing a shoe at her, and Adsol whacks it away with an aluminum bat and it hits Kid #2 in the nose. (How did I get an aluminum bat? Think.)  
  
"WHATEVER!!" And the Kids jump out of their seats.  
  
So the orchestra practice didn't get that far or anything.

* * *

A/N: Check back tomorrow for more orchestra, an angry Faramir, a really angry Boromir, an angry Gandalf, and Haldir! More insanity and the Kids play some mean jokes. If you'd like to be in a class or a special (Sports, Fine Arts, etc.) Send in this résumé.  
  
**Name:   
Class Desired to Be In:  
Extra Classes (If Any):  
**  
And I will see what I can do. 


	13. Anatomy and DARE

A/N: Ok, since I've fallen awfully behind with this story, everyone who reviewed will now be in the story and is currently going to attend Open House (so you're not at the school except me, Breck, and PopcornLeader) and then you'll come in one by one or so. So, sorry, but other stories came up, but here it is! I didn't leave it by the wayside!!

* * *

**_Chapter Thirteen: Anatomy with Merry and Pippin and overcoming Addictions with Gollum (I've changed the title layout, so pah!)_**

**_ANATOMY_** with **MERRY** and **PIPPIN**

"All right, kiddies, we're gonna learn the basic anatomy of the human body. Master Meriadoc esquire is gonna teach you this. I'm just here for support and junk." Pippin says.

"Ok, kids, now let's see how much you know! The longest bone in the body is the..." Merry asks.

"Oh! I know! THE FEMUR!" Kid #2 says.

"Incorrect! It's actually the drinking bone." Merry says.

"The what?" ask the Kids.

"Pippin, should we strive to teach these simple-minded children anatomy?" Merry asks.

"Why, they're in dire need of it! Yes!" Pippin says.

"All right. This is basic anatomy. If you fail this, you are hence named 'More Dunce than Pippin'. And you don't want that!" Merry says.

"So what's this anatomy?" Asks Kid #4.

"The drinking bone's connected to the party bone, the party bone's connected to staying out all night long, she won't think its funny and you'll wind up all alone and the lonely bone's connected to the drinking bone." Merry says. (That's actually a song.)

"That makes so much sense!" Pippin sniffs.

"All right, I want you all to diagram the anatomy of the Hobbit body, and use the three new bones you've learned. And re-fill your Big Gulps with this Rohanic water." Merry says.

"What?" Ask the Kids.

"You heard him! Move, move move!"

**_Overcoming_** **_Addictions_** with **Gollum**

"What now?" asks Kid #2.

"Well, we've got DARE and overcoming addictions." Kid #5 replies.

"Are any of us addicted?" Kid #2 asks.

"I'm addicted to chocolate." Kid #4 says.

"Besides that. I mean, who here smokes pot?" Kid #2 asks.

Crickets: CHIRP! Chirp...

"Ok, it's proven!"

"Hey, at least it's not counseling! That was bloody hell!" Kid #3 screams.

"Got that right." Everyone says as they walk into the classroom, which smells slightly of fish and is very dark, with a little pool in the corner.

"Weird isn't it?"

Suddenly, Gollum pops in.

"Good day, preciousss. We'll ssstudy the finessst pointsss of how to overcome your addictionsss. Any quessstionsss?" Gollum asks.

"Uh, yeah, why are you wearing a ratty loincloth??" asks Kid #2.

"Becaussse, preciousss, we're forced to. Ssstupid Peter Jackssson!"

"Ok..."

"Anywaysss, let'sss ssstart, ssshall we? Now, let'sss go around the room and introduce ourssselvesss." Gollum says. "I'll ssstart. Hi, I'm Gollum. Now you all sssay, 'Hello, Gollum'."

"Hello, Gollum."

"All right, preciousss, sssometimesss I'm called Sssmeagol, and I'm a nice little hobbit who happened to have murdered hisss friend. Sssad, right? Anywaysss, my addiction isss the Ring. It'sss the preciousss! Mussst have it!! YESSS!!" Gollum screams.

"Dude, take a chill pill!" Kid #5 screams.

"Don't freak on us!" Kid #4 says.

"Sssorry, peoplesss. Anywaysss, let'sss move on. Next childrensss?"

"I'll go!" Kid #2 says. "Hi, I'm Kid #2."

"Hello, Kid #2."

"Ok, I'm really not addicted to anything. I like sugar, though. I really hate the Basketball coach, Boromir. And Aragorn. He's mean too." Kid #2 says.

"Well, finesss. Deny your addictionsss. DENIAL!" Gollum says.

Fortunately, the bell rings at that moment and everyone runs out.

* * *

A/N: Ok, now, review! Next will be computer and Math. A deadly combination.


	14. Math and Computer

A/N: We're back with MATH! And COMPUTER! Raaaaa! So, now we're gonna experiance 2 of the most hated subjects by the Kids. I guess.

* * *

_**Chapter Fourteen: Computer with Lord Elrond and Math with Boromir, Lord of Somwheresville....**_

_In Computer..._

"Hey! We're back in jolly old computer! Wow." Kid #2 says.

"Does anyone else see that we're missing History classes?"

"Eh, it's probably because the teacher is too busy running the school to care about us."

"Hello, Mortals!!" Elrond says, stepping out from behind a giant computer, his hair frizzy and wires woven into the little braids.

"Whoa! Lord Elrond, what's going on??" Kid #4 asks.

"This, my Mortal friends, is T.I.S.C., the school's first all knowing and security computer. Stands for 'Technologically Intellegent Super Computer'. We call her Tessa." Elrond explains.

"Tessa? What, is thisguy insane?"

"Look at this! Tessa, what time is it?"

"12:42 A.M., Friday, the 30 of September, Lord Elrond the Hotmeister." Tessa says.

"The what?" Kid #2 says.

"Er, you children weren't supposed to hear that..."

"So, Lord Elrond, can I help you with anything?" Tessa asks.

"Yeah, get me some coffee."

"All right, sending request to kitchens now."

About 5 minutes later, a small little Hobbit named Pen runs into the room.

"Here, Lord Elrond, sir!"

"Thanks." Elrond says, sipping his coffee.

"Hey, L.E., what're we doing in class?"

"L.E.? What?"

"L.E.? Lord Elrond??"

"Oh. Sorry, Mortal, I'm a bit behind. You know, me and the computer..."

"That just sounded pervy..."

"Wow, little Gutter Boy...anyway, everyone start working on your projects."

"And that would be...?"

"Just play games. Any game." Elrond says, ducking back to work on Tessa.

"He's a mental case..." Kid #2 says.

"DAMN YOU!!!" Elrond screams.

"WHOA! Lord E, what's going on???"

"STUPID COMPUTER!! Work, darn it, work!!!" Elrond yells.

"What's going on??"

"That's it! I'm getting WIRE CUTTERS!!!"

"No not wire cutters!" Tessa protests.

"Sorry, TESSA, but this is TOO MUCH!!"

"I'll tell Aragorn what you did last summer!"

"TOO BAD!!!"

Elrond promptly snips the wires of Tessa, shutting it down.

"Wow. He's cruel." Kid #5 says.

"EEEEEHH! Hey, you damn kids, get over to math!" Elrond screams.

"We're getting, sir!!" The Kids scream, running out of the room.

_In Math..._

Boromir is writing problems on the board that the Kids have never seen, like 'If A1/3, and B1/5, then what is A plus B divided by X, when X.75?' and 'Name the subsets of 1,2,3,7,8,20'

"Hey, Boromir!"

"Oh, hey, you runts! Look, we're doing ALGEBRA now!"

"Wow. And I thought life couldn't get even more probelematic." Kid #2 says.

"Eh, cry about it." Boromir says. "Now, start working on these problems!"

The Kids begin their work, Kid #1 looking dazed, lost, and cofused. Kid #2 is writing something in his notebook, Kid #3 is sleeping, Kid #4 is listening to his headphones, and Kid #5 is working on the problems.

"All done, children?"

"Uh..."

"Ok. hand in your notebooks..."

"WHAT?" Kid #2 asks.

Boromir walks around, collecting the notebooks.

"Ok, I'll give you your grades tomorrow. No homework tonight!"

"He's a madman!" Kid #4 says.

"I know! Let's just go to Lunch." Kid #5 says, walking to the cafeteria.

* * *

A/N: Next, Haldir the cafeteria man and Herbology with Arwen! Yay, fun and insanity!!! Review, dears!


End file.
